Let me name a certain way to start a fire in your country: deny equal rights to a specific class of people. The moment you do this, you have set in motion a revolution, as certain as the motion of the sun around our planet.

It may be a quiet revolution, with people going about their lives in secrecy, building a counter-culture in which they are respected as human beings and may attain the goals and positions you have denied them. At some point, they will surround you, many in number, and take control of the rule-making machines. You will know the taste of irrelevance at best, the same sort of discrimination and sub-human treatment at worst.

It may be a spectacular and bloody revolution, with rioting in the streets, burning buildings, assassinations and the deaths of innocent bystanders. When it is done, the tables of power will have turned, and the cycle will start over.

Is there a third type of revolution? One where people on all sides set aside emotional focus, invoke reason and change the system wholesale into something built to last?

Here's an idea for solving the issue of gay marriage, in the third mode of revolution. It requires a little humility on both sides, and common sense. Marriage in the United States is a religious institution. We've secularized it as best we can, but here's the naked truth: you can't escape the religious foundation.

Let's get the government out of marriage completely.

For the religious and homophobic: I know you feel it will be the end of society as we know it if two men or two women can shack up and raise kids. Here's the rub: they're going to do it anyway, whether you give them legal standing to or not. They already are. I know you believe it's immoral, but who made you judge? Leave that to your God. History shows people will find ways to work around oppression, over and over. Arrangements will be made between gay men, lesbians and sympathetic heterosexuals in increasing numbers. Little Johnny's mother of record will take care of his legal interactions with the outside world, but he'll be raised by his two fathers... ahem, uncles, one block over. Little Johnny will grow up to be a lawmaker, and he'll remember what you did to his parents, all of them. By fighting to lessen someone you simply empower them to change the system and hasten your own end.

For the proponents of gay marriage: the real prize here is not religious marriage. It is legal standing: property rights, parenting rights, medical rights, taxation rights... all the perks of marriage currently reserved for straight couples. I know it's not fair treatment to be excluded by the fundamentalist Christian and homophobe clubs, but do you really want in? Or do you just want to rub their noses in it once you get in? Being a gay Christian in fundamentalist America strikes me about the same as being a gay Republican: you're voting against your interests. Far better to agitate for equal treatment and start your own clubs, which they will then wish to join. So put aside the power struggle and aim for getting what's really important.

Am I advocating "equal but separate?" No. I'm advocating equal choice for everyone. Let's take recognition of "marriage" out of the government's hands. Government should be in the business of recognizing and supporting human unions of all types to strengthen human society. Let government dole out the benefits to any human union under the sun, recognizing government registered unions and no others. Our existing institutions of family and child services will work for everyone, no matter their genders, no matter their arrangement. This will keep church and state separate, and take arbitrary morality assaults out of the political playbook.

Let's stop calling government recognized unions "marriage." Leave the spiritual aspect of "marriage" to religion, in its myriad of definitions. Have your rite of "marriage" in any ceremonial tradition you desire: Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, Pagan, etc. Or don't have one at all. It will have no bearing on your legal standing and will be solely in the personal sphere, as it should be.

In my part of the world there are many religious institutions who already offer same-sex marriages. While not legally binding, these spiritual bonds are recognized within the church just as those of heterosexual couples. If you want to join a church which does not offer same-sex marriages, go ahead, but remember: excluding others eventually leaves you standing all alone.